Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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