I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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