im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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