the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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