FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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