We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
