the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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