ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
