Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
MIDGETS
????
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
