i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
