remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
