we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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