This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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