I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
