Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
