I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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