There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
