I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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