The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
