just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
