I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
