How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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