i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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