Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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