Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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