good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
