I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
