I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
