I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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