He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
