i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
