just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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