do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
