it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
