Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
