Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Watching her eat just hurts me
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize