hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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