dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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