I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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