we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
