dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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