From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
