my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
