his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize