good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
