He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
