If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
