I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
