I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
