i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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