he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
