You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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