dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
