There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I wear drunk well.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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