Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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