I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He better not be in your backpack
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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