You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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