I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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