I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
