How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
