I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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