i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
