I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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