So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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